måndag 6 februari 2017

Før sova kan vi gøra nær viær død, eller hur hjærnan.

Antal timmars sømn: 0 æn så længe. Antal tappade kilon: 5.5

Insikter: Man kan leva på 2 brødskivor med tomat och avocado, en energy bar, två bananer och en halv portion ris med grønsaker och bønor om dagen i 5 veckor. 
Man øverlever att sova bara 2-3 timmar per natt i två och en halv vecka men allt kænns som en drøm, noll verklighet. 
Man kan gråta ca 6 gånger om dagen utan att bli uttorkad. 
Det tar 10 dagar, åtaliga kallsvettningar och tiotusen mardrømmar att bli beroende av insomningstabletter. 
Sen tar det 4 dagar av ænnu mer kallsvettningar, skakningar och mardrømmar att avvænja sig. 
Det tar sen 3 dagar med sømn att tappa bort sømnen igen.
Det tar 5 veckor av djupt depression att tappa bort sig sjælv helt och børja tvivla på allt man trodde man visste om sig sjælv. 
Man kan øverleva tusen panikångestattacker som ær så jævliga så man svimmar utan att dø.
Det tar 3 lækare att få ordentlig hjælp.  
Man kan också gøra saker varje dag utan att kænna sig bættre. 
Man kan umgås med mænniskor man ælskar och ha små æventyr utan att kænna något alls. 
Man kan också gå i 3 dagar och bara vara arg, inte ledsen, inte glad, bara arg.
Man kan gå i 5 veckor och kænna att man inte kan andas.
Man kan också meditera hur mycket som hellst utan resultat.
Efter 5 veckor så kan man fortfarande kænna att allt ær hoppløst och att ingenting i slutændan spelar någon somhellst roll øver huvudtaget før vi ska ju ændå alla dø.

Jag ønskar att tabletter kunde hjælpa, jag ønskar man kan hitta sig sjælv igen, jag ønskar att jag kan kænna kænslor igen, jag ønskar att jag kan tro på nær folk sæger att dom bryr sig igen, jag ønskar jag skulle kunna vara lycklig igen, jag ønskar att andas igen, sova igen, skratta igen, æta igen, njuta igen, kænna mig hel igen,bry mig igen,ælska igen, leva igen.

söndag 5 februari 2017

26.07.2011

jag sitter hær
5 kg lættare æn før en månad sedan.
Jag tror att tårar väger ganska mycket.

Replay

05.04.2011





på nätterna
det är då jag trivs bäst
i lugnet
tystnaden
drunknar i sina tankar
omfamnad av mørkret
tar ett djupt bloss
kikar ut i natten
ler av mörkret, stjärnorna
tomheten
du och jag hjärtat äger hela världen
ta vara på det

28.12.2009

mamma
.

nu pratar hon med sig själv
igen
och de gör ont
som om någon skulle sticka ett spjut rakt genom mig
varje gång det blir såhär
vill jag dö
försvinna
jag ignorerar det
för de mesta
men det betyder inte att jag inte hör
"jag orkar inte längre
det funkar inte
jag vill inte mer
dom är så dumma
korkade idioter
jag hatar er
jag orkar inte mer"
nu är de min tur
jag orkar inte se dig såhär
jag hatar när du pratar med dig själv
jag hatar när du dricker
att du dricker
men jag hatar inte dig
jag hatar alkoholen
och vad den gör med dig

27.12.2009

för det kan ju vara så att min otroligt labila moder kanske har världens vackraste fötter
som hon efter lätt berusning snubblar omkring på
hennes hår är som mitt
bortsett från gårdagens maskara och tårar
skörare människa får man leta noga efter
jag är rädd att varje kram
varje närkontakt
varje "jag älskar dig"
ska få henne att gå sönder
men åh,
jag älskar den kvinnan
hon må ej vara lika stark
självsäker
och klart att tiden har satt sina spår
hennes rynkiga hy är bevis nog
för att
hennes liv
såsom mitt
och många andras
kanske inte alltid varit så lätt
men jag älskar denna kvinna
denna starka otroligt
livliga kvinna
som skapat den jag är idag
för jag
står på egna ben
tack vare denna kvinna
som nu knappt kan stå
.



09.03.2011






man ska inte sparka på någon som redan ligger ner
det lärde du mig när jag var liten
det är rent jävla folkvett
man sparkar inte på någon som redan ligger ner
men vad gör dudå?
du sparkar på oss
när vi redan mår dåligt
när vi redan ligger ner
hur orkar du ljuga hela tiden
jag förstår inte
vart är hon som uppfostrade mig
hon som lärde mig att vara stark
att tro att man kan göra allt
som du sa
vill man så kan man
inget är omöjligt om bara viljan finns
du vill ju inte
du kan verkligen inte vilja
i så fall skulle du inte göra så här
igen
och igen å igen å igen å igen
du förstör mitt liv
du förstör för mig
jag är förstörd på grund av dig
men det som gör ondast
är att varje gång du, riktiga du
kikar fram
dödar du henne
du slaktar henne gång på gång
med samma jävla gift
jag kan inte stå och kolla på längre
jag klarar inte det
nu har vi verkligen gjort allt
jag älskar dig av hela mitt hjärta
men du åkte precis förbi sista utvägen

16.03.2011




jag är så trött
så jävla trött
på att alltid få plocka upp efter dig
plocka upp bitarna av mitt hjärta
när du krossar det gång på gång
trött på att jag måste vara den som är vuxen
den som ska rädda dig
den som måste ringa dina barndomsvänner
och varna
varna för dig
vraket
ge inte vraket pengar
för då köper vraket alkohol
och då blir vraket mer vrak
.
under hela min tonår har jag varit vuxen åt dig
när jag skulle få vara liten och rädd
det var min rättighet
att bli tröstad
tillrättavisad
nu är jag liten och rädd
livrädd
att du ska försvinna
livrädd för nu är jag vuxen på riktigt
det kostar att gå till doktorn
till tandläkaren
kan inte gömma mig bakom tonår längre
vuxen
livrädd
utan någon vuxen som kan hjälpa mig
måste jag stå på helt egna ben
jag vet att jag redan gjort det ett tag
men det slog mig
idag
när jag skar mig i fingret
djup
jag kände benet med klingan
jag hade ingen att ringa
ingen som kunde hjälpa
för det var alltid du
du
och din lugnande röst
din hand jag fick hålla i för att somna
även om du va full
så visste jag att du
riktiga du
fanns där inne
men inte nu
inte längre
nu vet jag ingenting
allt är bara kaos
och säg förfaan inte att det blir bättre
för det blir det aldrig
inte för mig
för jag har gått och väntat på detdär bättre
i hela mitt liv
här hamlade jag
mitt i skiten

06.07.2010

En liten historia




Jag pratade med månen igår. Han sade till mig:
Att dem vackraste ögonblicken i livet är 
ögonblicken då du är lycklig
den kan inte köpas för pengar. 
Bra för jag är fattig.
Vi diskuterade i flera timmar om 
livet. Han tror att jag kommer få 
sitta däruppe med honom och dricka te i 
livet efter detta. 
Jag tackar inte nej. 
Han var lite underlig när vi 
började prata om kärlek, 
Det var tydligen lite känsligt. 
Han har trånat efter sin kärlek 
så länge att han knappt minns 
hennes doft. 
Jag älskar den som lyser starkast i hela universum, 
fast.. vi har bara träffats ett fåtal gånger. 
Annars går vi bara 
förbi varandra hela tiden, 
Tänk om de är så ja gör.
Han berättade sedan att det bästa 
han vet är att få 
lysa i hennes skugga, 
även fast de sällan möts. 
Han älskar att älska henne och kommer lysa i hennes skugga 
så länge han flyter däruppe. 
oh love.

07.06.2010


de tjuter hörs ända in i husets grunder

håll för munnen
vännen vi är kanske inte dem enda som känner
brustet hjärta, att inte våga
satsa
är det här för bra för att kasta?
stressen fortsätter, förutsätter
att vi ska falla
famla
kanske att vi en dag släpper
alla hämningar och ger efter
till att leva i ovisshet med osäkerhet
börjar leva utan att bli tillsagda det
för ja, ja vet ingenting 
ingenting om ingenting och lite till om vad jag vill

06.05.2010





det finns en plats på denna jord som håller om mitt hjärta så hårt, så de knappt slår ibland
i år var det 5 år sen jag vandrade på dem små bakgatorna o bara va
fem år sen jag satt på stranden mitt i natten i sällskap av en liten igelkott och stjärnorna, som lyser klarast där än på någon plats jag sett i mitt liv
fem år sen jag snorklade i det klarblå vattnet för att leta snäckor
fem år sen vi danasde på stolar på the doors till raffig 60tals msuik
fem år sen vi undrade varför trädet på torget fortfarande levde
jag vill tillbaka till dom vita stränderna, klipporna med getingön
snäckorna, bens marina, hamnen, kapellet
jag vill ha tillbaka alla somrar vi va där när jag var mindre, då alla problem var så mengslösa, jag vill tillbaka till lyckan, till känslan av att gå upp o ner för stora gatan
biografen, människorna, min första kyss
alla nätter med äventyr
jag skulle ge hela min värld för att vara där igen, lycklig 
jag vill ha spökgränden, kyrkan vi jämnt sköt upp bollen på, marianos där vi dansade genom nätter
kissestranden, camingstranden, ön vi simmade till, utan en rädsla i hela världen att vi kunde hamna mitt i havet med strömmen
båtturerna runt ön, internetcafét
vagelis och sofia som var som en familj, deras pelagoniebuskar
krocko, den uppblåsbara krockodilen som var kvar år efter år, med plåstret på örat
pavlos, där vi alltid hade ett bord att äta vid
där jag alltid skulle bli ihopparad med hans son
alla oliver vi ätit där
kull i  den tomma vita simbassängen, fältet som var så spännande och förbjudet
första fyllan, fösrta cigaretten, normmänen, svenskarna
ge mig antiparos, tack.

21.04.2010




varför ska ja vara den med dåligt hjärta?
dålig mamma dålig pappa
varför ska ja vara det svarta fåret du vill ska tappa
fotfästet
är det något som är rättvist i denna värld, i denna sfär, kan du inte bara 
cut me some slack
blir så jävla lack, hela tiden man ger och ger, vad får man som tack
dåligt hjärta, dålig mamma dålig pappa
fuck
vulkaner som sabbar vettiga konversationer, folk utan motivationer, drömmar
river sönder världen i dess sömmar, utan att glömma
vad vi egentligen vill med denna värld, denna sfär
vi strävar mot miljärdärsamhällen, men jag kommer aldrig glömma den där kvällen
vi var lyckliga fattiga, en aning tattiga, men först o främst lyckliga, fattiga
hopp
om att vi en dag ligger på topp, inte av näringskedjan utan av världens titlar
ingen av dom som cheatar, vi ska jobba från botten för att nå toppen
word
för toppen i min värld, är inte pengar och vara famous
det är uppnå drömmar och vad vi vill göra med oss

lördag 3 oktober 2015

Galaxies

I dont know but lately Ive just had this feeling that everything is fake. All the laughs, the meetings with new people, the converastions, the night out, all the moments, the vibes. I dont know why. I just know I have this urging feeling that I want to get away. Away from all the fakeness. Away from this. This normal people call life. Allmost like a longing for home. Except I dont really have one to long for. So I dont  know but its tearing my head apart.
I just wanna scream to all the poeple who think they get me, just because you touched me dosent mean you know me have galaxies growing inside my head.
And you cant sort that shit out. Its a constant chaos.
Fuck me, Im broken...






I dont know were I go from here but I know I need to go soon.
I dont want to end up like you, M.

fredag 25 september 2015

The journey that never ends

So Hi, its been a while since the last time o wrote something here. Dont know if its gonna be a habit from now on or if its just for this time. Im still in Oslo, chocker, and im starting to feel like i really need to leave soon. But I dont know where im leaving to yet. The thing is I realised a couple of weeks ago that i dont really have a home to go back to, a place to miss when im out in the world and I think its about time i get that. Cause you feel kind of lost without a home. And yeah i know home is where your heart is and home has been with me on the road so many times but not here. My heart is not in this town. I need to leave and find my heart. Dont get me wrong i love the people i have in my life here, its the town, the place thats wrong. So this is where the new journey begins. The start of something new. I just need to figure out what my next move is gonna be and then im off to where ever it is i need to go.
And all the people reading this who knows me knows theres a tousand reason why i feel like this, i dont have a family and my history is very complicated and dark but it has to be dark in order to see the stars,

tisdag 23 december 2014

2014, oh all the moments.

This year, WOW.
I told myself last year that 2014 is gonna be my year, the year I finally put myself first. Not in a selfish way but enough so I can get somewhere. And look at me now. I know what I wanna be when I grow up, I know (kind of) where I wanna live and how I want my life to look like. And yeah I saw half the world this year. I traveled my ass of! And it was fucking amazing. This year, wow.
Im gonna see if i can sum it up some more with some new year questions.
Did you do anything new this year?
Hell to the yeah! Started traveling alone, best choice ever. Hitchhiking trough Europe! Put myself first(as you should) and fell inlove with myself.
Did you accomplish any changes? (wierd question)
Well yes I did! I grew in my Tobigshoes a bit more. Moved to Oslo and got a fulltime job and more friends.
Any particular dates you will remember? Not really its more the entire year.
 Witch countries did you visit? Okey here we go. Spain, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia and Burma (short visits), Portugal, Spain and France(on the highway)Germany, Belgium, The Netherlands and Spain again.
Best buy? Plane tickets for sure!
Did something make you really happy? Oh yeah! A lot of beautiful people and amazing places Ive been to and I made myself happy once in a while.
Did you miss anything during this year that you want for next year? Nah, more traveling. Or maybe next year is gonna be about finding that Island i wanna live on.
What do you wish you did more? Nothing, NO REGRATS. haha
Best book? Thats more like it. Definitely Shantaram even tough Im not finished with it yet. Kind of want it to end kind of want it to go on forever.
Where you happier this year? YES, so much happier!
What did you spend the most money on? Life. Living. Being happy.
Did you wish for something this year that came true? Kind of. Wanted to have more feelings for other people and yeah Im a little bit on that way.
What did you do on your birthday? Hanged on a beach, swan in the ocean with the sun on my back and looked at the stars and our thailanterns from a cliff.
Is their anything that would have made your year even better? No, not really.
What made you feel good? All those moments.
Who did you miss? As allways, mom.
The best new people you met? All of them!
Your highest wish right now? That next year is full of beautiful moments like this year was.
What do you intend to do different next year? Work some more, haha.

Well that was my year, still so much more to it but this is all I can think of right now. I can just say I hope next year is filled of sunsets and sunrises, dancing under the nightsky with your feet in the ocean, reading books in hammocks surrounded by palmtrees, party with friends in weird bars, climbing in valleys with views to die for,  camping next to lakes, hang in beautiful cities, carsurfing, running in cornfields, sleeping under the stars next to the fire, skating all night in abounded buildings, drawing in coffeeshops, standing naked in the sunsets on Portugals beaches, snorkling with beautiful sea creatures, massages on balconies with views over the ocean, stone-jumping, bike-riding on the most amazing roads, swimming in waterfalls, lovemaking everywhere, all the deeptalks on some bridge in the ocean under the stars, adventures, late night swims, adventures and adventures and all the love!
This year has for sure been one of the best years of my life. I love my life and the way I´m living it!
Love life.


tisdag 25 november 2014

"you carry the love within"

Like you read I had a pretty bad day yesterday. But thats the good things about bad days, they are just days. Its not like you gonna feel bad a lifetime. Its a couple of days and then its over, you have good days again. And today have been one of does good ones. Nothing special really happend. Just me being me and being out in the sun and talking to a likeminded person.
I was so caught up in my bad mood yesterday and some days before that that I forgot that bad days goes away. It always gets better. Got some really amazing words from my beautiful soul down in Australia, and I was so happy reading it. She reminded me that bad days are not forever and that this is just a passing trough. This place Im at right now is not gonna be forever. And all the love you got from all people you met in your travels that feels so gone when everybody stops talking and goes back to normal life is till here. Its within you, all the dancing under the stars with the feet in the ocean, all the late nights and early mornings, all the sunrises and sunsets, all the waking up in the middle of the day next to a beautiful lake, all the running in cornfields screaming your lungs out,  all the night swimming in your birthday suits, all the love meetings, all the rock climbing, all the snorkling with turtles and sharks, all the festivals, all the beautiful souls, all the memories. You will always carry that inside of you and its yours to relive every time you want to. Just think of it and all the feelings bubble up inside. Its beautiful. Allmost magical. I miss everything ofcourse but I will always have all those memories and those beautiful people with me, wherever i go. LOVE

måndag 24 november 2014

HONESTY

Okey, alot have changed for me the last couple of weeks. I stopped travelling and realised that Im not gonna afford to go to Australia right now. And yeah that sucked a lot. But its not the end of the world. So I started thinking. Where the hell am I gonna get money from? I have no job, no home. But I do know a lot of people and I still had my original plan. Moving to Norway. So here I am, in Oslo. Been living here for a week now. Right now Im living with my friend who´s a beautiful soul and his roomies. He´s been great and so welcoming. Even tough its winter and we all know how you can get in winter. I get like that every winter. You just wanna sleep, sleep and sleep.
If Im gonna be honest its been hard. Fuck harder than I taught it would be. Ive lost myself a little bit in the process and been stressing so much about it. I haven´t been listening to my body or my soul. Just wandering around everyday with some sort of anxiety. And oh i know that feeling a little bit to well. I have to relax, and let my body and mind realise that this is my home for a while now and that you can´t stress everything. Even now writing this I´m stressing because it didnt turn out as I wanted it to. But then again that´s life shit happens. Its just hard to adjust. Ive never been to Norway before and now Im gonna live here. But I´m missing the fun part. A new country, new people, new places to discover and a whole new world Ive never seen before. 
So I decided, even tough i should look for a job like crazy, Im just gonna stop for a bit. Take a couple of days, sleep until noon if i want to and do fun stuff, draw, take walks and just be. Just freaking be. Because all the things i need to do has been to much and it can wait. I have money to last me atlest 2 months without a job maybe even three. 
I was depressed for so long and only been well for a year. That makes it so easy falling back. 
Old ways of thinking, stressing. So now for the next couple of days Im just gonna relax, get myself back together. Doing yoga and meditation. To find myself again.
I just wanna be happy, energetic me. Who I am. So lets find her again and get a job. Ive been trough worse and theres nothing in this world that I can´t take so this compared to so much else I´ve been trough should be a peice of cake. It already feels better just to admit that I´m not doing that well.
It can only get better from here.

måndag 10 november 2014

Late night toughts

After my last post I´ve been thinking. Of the fact that just when people know they are gonna die, they start to lie. Why is it so? Isnt that wierd? We all gonna die someday, its just that they know roughley when. Do we really need that pressure in order to really enjoy life, to really live?
I know its more right infront of you when you get a deathsentence and you see someone close to you pass away. But it shouldnt be that way. People who dont know when they gonna die should live more, because like I wrote you never know when you gonna take your last breath and that makes it so much real. I could go out and get hit by a car tomorrow, I dont know. Nobody really does. So we should allways sees the days we have and do everything we want in our lives, go after our dreams, text that cute guy, tell that beautiful girl you have a cush on her, go skydiving, do that course you really wanted, learn a new language, just hug your friend, learn to play an instrument, tell your mom you love her or call your brother. Because tomorrow they might not be here. And ofcourse you cant go around thinking that everybody you love are gonna die tomorrow or the day after or that you gonna do it. I just think we should live more, more in the moments. Dont you ever think about all those stuff you never did when you where younger, cause I know I do, that guy you never texted or that thing you wanted to learn. Its never to late and you will never be as ready as you are now to go after the things you want. Just freaking do it.


söndag 9 november 2014

"Pain demands to be felt"



This could be one of the greater movies I´ve ever watched. Its so.. real. 
I would encourage everybody to watch this, It also makes you feel superstupid for ever lighting a cigarette.
I don´t know really why I like this kind of movies, I think maybe somehow its nice to relate. Or whatever you call it, I have no idea. I´ve been going trough a great deal of pain and lost in my life and when its real like this (even tough its just a move) it makes me feel like someone behind it most have been trough something, something tough to be able to write something so real. It means that maybe they also survived somehow and went on with their life. I love that. I love those happy endings, even tough I surely know life is not full of them. Matter of fact everything comes to an end in the end. But it just simply mean that we have to enjoy everything while its here, while we here. Live in the moments. And that goes not just for people with cancer(or any other sickness for that matter), or the people who knows about lost, it goes for everybody. Live life moment to moment, and feel them, really feel them, Be here, now. Because you never know when you´ll take your last breath and thats kind of the beauty of it, isnt it?

måndag 3 november 2014

THE LUCKY ONE

All my heart desire. I´ve had that now. Everything I ever wanted in life. Seeing the world, beautiful meetings, love. I feel so blessed. This is my life. The life I wanted.
I can´t believe it. Everywhere I go I meet people who support me on this journey, people who wanna help, people who open up their homes, open up their hearts. Sometimes I just lean back and think yo myself I made it. I´ve done so much that I wanted to do. I followed my dreams, and here they are. Right in front of me, in the moments I´ve had. Its beautiful. But also scary. What if, what if this is not enough. What if i never find that place to call home, the place I´m gonna long for when I`m out in the world. What if I always gonna want something more. Then I decided that that's not gonna happen. My home is what i carry inside me. My home follows me wherever I go and whoever I´m with. My home is there inside of me. I´ll carry it with me to all the corners of the world. Go within or go without.
That was not at all what I was thinking to write about. Haha, me always sidetracking.
I´m back in one of my old hometowns, yeah I have a few. Since I´ve been back in Sweden I met almost all of my special ones, my soul mates. Right now I`m with Jonna, who´s one of them. One of those really special people who makes you feel so loved, blessed and happy about just being alive. Just being able to breath. Shes a walking artpiece and I`m so lucky she is my soulmate. Here I live with her and her parents in their house. Homecoock food, so much love and a bed to sleep in. All the small things. We´ve been out adventuring, meeting old friends, this friday was so beautiful. Almost everybody was there, or atleast so many people who dose´nt live here anymore at the same place at the same time, it dose´nt happen everyday. We danced, hugged, talked, laughed, listen to good music, hugged some more, broke my phone, hanged until the morning and walked all the way back in the dark. It was beautiful. And ones again I just stood there overwhelmed of how many beautiful people I have in my life, who are impressed, inspired and just glad to have me in their life's.
I´m just so happy that so many people support me in this. I gave up my security, my apartment and all my stuff. I had a good life, a nice apartment, good job, everything. But that was not what I wanted. So I gave it up. And I couldn't have done it without all my beautiful friends. They open their hearts and homes for me now when I´m back. I´m so happy for that. I really am the lucky one.
Today I´m off to my big brother for a couple of days and then Gävle! The town I last lived in, really excited. After that I leave to Norway for about a week to meet more beautiful people and then off to the other side of the world, Australia. Cant believe its happening, cant believe again this is my life. But this time I´m actually gonna try to slow down a bit, getting a job, making some money and all that stuff. Well wish me good luck, cause I know how bad I am with settling down. Hahah if you want it enough. Yeah we´ll see.

onsdag 1 oktober 2014

At ease

Made it to Holland. Crazy fast. Two cars. Two fancypancy cars, one mercedes i think, cab and the second was a racer car. He just came from the racetracks in Germany made his way back to Amsterdam. Went superfast on the highway 250k/h, we laughed our hearts out. Beautiful, took us not more than 2 hours. Then directly to a barbeque party in Nijmege where we are right now. Amazing beautiful people, fell in love with this group. Had so much fun. Then with a promise of a bed i climbed on the back of a bike and held on for dear life all the way out of town to a squat to sleep in a caravan with a beautiful soul. Talked all night about nothing and everything. Slept like a queen and woke up at 15.00 and rode the bike all the way back into town for dinner with more beautiful people. Nijmege is beautiful and they have fucking Deers in outdoorcages here. I laughed so hard when i saw that on the way back today. Its so wierd, haha.
 My life is amazing and everyday I´m blessed. I love what I´m doing and will not stop for a while.

fredag 19 september 2014

When travelling come to an end for a while

Can start to say the aussies made it! And we had a blast at the indian spirit festival, so many wierd stuff happend but otherwise it was amazing and we met so many beautiful souls. We danced until sunrise, ran in cornfields, looked at the stars, carsurfed, chilled out, danced some more and much more i cant rememeber right now. I followed them to berlin after that and the same thing there, Danced alla night drowe out in the forest at night or yeah in the mornings to sleep a couple of hours next to an amazing beautiful lake under the stars, sometimes we made a fire, we saw the berlinwall and felt all the pain when we stroked the wall looking in to each others eyes, we busked, made some money, danced to streetmusic and just fell inlove with eachother, so much love in this little group. Then reality hit and we had to say goodbye to two beautiful souls, it hurt my heart a bit. But thats travel for you. And if you are the one whos staying on the road you get over it pretty soon and the ones who are going home get back to normal life and thats just it. I allways say goodbye with the intetion that we will meet again. sometimes it happends sometimes it dont. Thats life people come and people go. 
Now we're still in Cologne me and two of the guys who stayed. We been living in this apartment with more beautiful people, done some busking, made some money, done laundry and just dwelled in the luxury of living in an apartment with showers and shit. Im trying to decide my next move, so many plans, thats allways been my problem. But reality is that i should go back to sweden as soon as possible so i can get my visa and tattogun so i can go away again, and this time i think ill start with aussie and if i dont like it i allways have tree jobs waiting for me in asia. thats sounds good right, but then we have me whos like but maybe i can go to italy first, visit friend, or i want a warm country before i go back to cold sweden jadijadijaaa. Hahah. Yeah well see, im gonna try to make up my mind. Still love this lifestyle though and i think i never will stop. Gonna try to get to a warm country before i leave otherwise if not that would just make me sort my shit out as fast as i can so i can go to the sun again. Peace out peeps!

fredag 5 september 2014

Travel

This seems to be agood time to wright that when you travel, especially when your hitchiking around it sometimes dosent work out as you planned, thats why i take all the plans that ive made with myself or with other people very liglty. Like now was supposed to be picked up att Bremen trainstation yesterday. That didnt happen, no trains to where i wanted to go so i stayed a night at a hostel. Awesome hostel to ad or not maybe the hostel but the people i met ther. Beautiful souls. Then today i took a train to Hamburg to try to get picked up by the aussies again. So now im sitting here at a internetkafe at the trainstation waiting again. But im not sad for that. I had heeps of fun, met wonderful interseting people. Was never really alone, allways had someone to talk to. a small update has to be enough have to go and find a postoffice or something before the guys come. Latero.

fredag 25 juli 2014

Open your heart

Every day can´t be a good day, cause then the good days wouldnt be good.
Todays been a really bad day. Have no energy what so ever. I´m stressed and have to listen to my body. It´s been so much going on ever since I got home. Been doing stuff all the time and havent eaten properly. Well now it cought up to me. Just been lying in bed all day, thinking of what to do. And all the stuff I have to do. No good at all. I´m thinking maybe to skip the festival in Portugal, listen to my body and just take it easy, to much change in to little time is not good. And getting rid of all my stuff, not having a proper apartment anymore, its a lot. But I never say never, maybe I book some planetickets and go anyway but right now my plans is just gonna be to take it easy and focus on the things I have to do.
Its hard poring your heart out. Or just admit that you having a bad day. Just before my travel I didn't open up, I didn't tell people about the shit in my life. Cause i couldn't and i didn't want people to treat me differently, or look at me with pity. Then an amazing person thought me that you can´t live like that, to much bubbles up in the end. You have to talk about your problems or otherwise it becomes to much. And oh i know that. I´m a really bad crier or I don't cry. Maybe two or three times a year. And instead of feeling sad I always try to do something that makes me happy instead so i don't think of the fact that I´m sad. It ended up with me having a lot of panic-attacks. Rarely get them anymore, but this last couple of days I´ve had the symptoms a little bit. So now its time to listen to my body again. Take it easy, breath, maybe some yoga and be at ease.
Looked at some old photoalbums and cried a bit today, and who figured it made me feel 100 times lighter. Sometimes all it takes is to just cry a bit.

onsdag 23 juli 2014

Love lift up us high

Loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. You will allways find something, some part of your body or something in your head or a bad hapit that you dont like. Think of it, we spend 24 fucking 7 with ourself. We´re bound to find something we dont like. Its wierd really cause in the end all we have is ourself, yeah other people can be in your life, it can me our families or a soulmate, or friends your with all the time. But when it comes down to it, its you, its allways yourself that is there. What I want to say with this is that we have to learn to be happy with ourself, is all we got, and to love ourself. Every part of us. When your with your friends that you love unconditional, we love them no matter what, all the bad sides included. So why do we humans have such a hard time just excepting ourself and love ourself for what we are? I´ve allways tought the expression "you have to love yourself before you love someone else" is a good one. Cause if you dont love yourself you can´t understand why someone else do and that makes it hard to love them. Try to see yourself in someone elses eyes. What do they love and why dont you love that?
This i just me rumbling. What I´m trying to say is that i think I´m on my way to love myself again. To be happy with what I´ve got cause its all I got. I´m not gonna grow another nose or get taller legs, i look like this and I´m allways gonna me lazy and stubborn. This is me, I look like this, I am like this. I´m just gonna except in and live with it. Change the things that´s worth changing, like habits and shit. But the rest I´m just gonna have to live with. And I´m happy with myself, I´m a fighter and if i want something i work for it and I don´t look that bad. Lift yourself up instead of stamping on yourself.  
We are all we got.


When sleep is not around

Can´t really sleep. Today´s been a day that I´ve been kind of scared. Been thinking what the fuck have I got myself into? What if anything go wrong, will the money be enough. will i sell enough stuff this weekend, what if something bad happens. But then I remind myself it will all be ok, I´m following my dream, things are going to go wrong, that's life, if you don't get out of here you will not be happy. Is not the place its just that I have to follow my dreams, and I want to travel, so I can´t stay here. Still get scared as shit, so much stuff to do in to little time. I don't know if I will have time to go to my birth town and visit my grandma and my friends before I go, But its not like I´m moving to the other side of the world (yet) I can go back and visit. I could always come back. That´s comforting. It will all be ok. I just have to remind myself of that, Its scary to follow your dreams it takes you out of your comfort zone. But it also takes you to places you never seen before. Like Oslo, in Norway. where I´m moving first, I´ve never been there and I+m somehow gonna live there for a while. Its crazy. but good crazy. Exciting crazy. I'm so happy this is my life and right now I don't want the adventure to end. And it wont, if i don't let it.


fredag 11 juli 2014

Just do it

Ever since I decided to get rid of my apartment and all the shit i gathered through the years everybody is telling me how brave I am. You wanna know a secret, I'm really not. I'm scared as shit. Or it goes from really happy and fucking excited to scared as shit. So its not that I'm brave I just know I cant stay here anymore. I wanna grow and see the world and I know this is my chance. If i don't take it i don't know if it will come again. So I'm just doing it. I know somehow it will be OK. I cant live like this after living in my travels, I want more from life and I'm going for it. Call it whatever you want i just call it taking the chance that's right beneath my feet. Its now or never. You can´t wait all your life for being ready, you will never be as ready as you are now.
So I start with Norway and then we´ll see where the fuck I end up. Everything I own is going to fit in my 55kg backpack, that's going to be interesting since you have to have a little warmer clothes there. And the rest is going in two boxes. Not more, nothing that's holding me back. Live easy, live light. I know I can do it, anybody can.

måndag 7 juli 2014

Endings are beginnings

I cant even put into words how much my travel has given me, so much love, so much realizations, so much life lessons, so much adventures, so much growth. And most importantly I stand on my own to feet again, my confidence is back and i know what i want in life. I could never in my wildest dream imagine how much i would get out of the plane tickets I booked four months ago. Ive made friends for life, I´ve got work experience and so much more. I´m going back, havent really planned out everything yet but looks like Im starting with Norway and Aussie. Once you lived that life, the life i love, the travel life you cant go back. Or at least I cant go back. I don't want this. I want adventures, I want new countries, I want breef lovemeetings, I want dancing under the stars with my feet in the ocean, I want days laying on the beach with my thoes sticking out of the sand, snorkeling with turtles, sharks and all sorts of amazing fishes, I want all of that again, and again and again. Cause i know thats what I want. Im getting a job first of all, making money, getting rid of my apartment and all my stuff. Im going to be a travellbaby. And oh, I´ve met so many out there, so many that work from place to place in countries they've never been in before. And i know i can. Just need my "plan" cause i know what happens to plans when you travel. They change a lot. And i love change. Never knowing where the next step will be until you take it. Be in one place one day and the next day another. What can I say this has really opend my eyes up to how i know a want my life to be. Like i said to all the people i met on my trip, Im becoming a traveling tattoo artist. I don't need all that fancy, dont even like my apartment anymore, I like shitty cheap hostels and crazy dormroomes. So thats what I´m going for, a life on the road!
I´m still glad to be back in Sweden to see all the people i love here again and spend Swedish summer and all the amazing things that go with it. I just know this summer is going to be crazy and a summer i will remember for the rest of my life. Life is just beginning!



torsdag 6 mars 2014

Thailand

Just nu sitter jag lutad mot en sten, under ett träd och kollar på stjärnorna. Har övergett bungalowen, smyckestillverkningen och Jonnan för ett tag. Wifi:et är bättre här. Jag tänkte uppdatera lite nogrannare hur livet är härnere, har fått en del klagomål. Så här kära vänner! När vi kom hit var vi på Khoasan Road i Bamgkok i två dagar, asså ah folk, sjukt mkt folk. Och ja shoppade faktiskt typ ingenting. Åkte tuktuk så mkt som möjligt och båttaxi. För att komma hit tig vi sovtåg, buss oo båt. Åt indiskt på tåget o sov nästan alla sju timmar. Spg soluppgången när vi klev på båten å ba njöt. När vi kom hit mötte vi upp jonna, hyrde moppar och fixade boende i en awesome bungalow vid havet. Jonna bor npgra meter neranför oss, nicigt. Vi moppar eunt, hänger på stränder, snorklar och badar mest hela dagarna o hänget på kvällarna. Vi har förlorat i fyrairad och tahit bodyshots. Dansat och tittat på stkärnorna. Jag lever på shakes, färskt frukt och såklart bananer. Idag var vi på Animal rescue center för att tipsa om tussen som vi matat med korv i några dagar som är halt, slutafe .ed jöbg i kattrummet och att vi ska dit o jobba imorrnbitti. Ja vad kan ja säga? Livet  här är fett och jag trivs somfan! Saknar er därhemma och önskar att ni alka va härr! Har säkert glömt tusen saker somhämt men fan ni överlever! :)

tisdag 18 februari 2014

BARA FÖR ATT JAG KAN

Åka till hemstaden
Hänga med mina människor
Gå på fet dubstep
Dansa som en galning
Träffa bananälskare
Hamla på knasig efterfest
Med sjuka brillor


Sköna människor
Och svingod öl

Bakishänga 
Äta sushi 2 gånger på samma dag


 Åka hem
Hänga i kojan
Äta mat och bada mitt i natten


BARA FÖR ATT JAG KAN